I have an eating disorder.
I am an addict.
There – I’ve said it.
Only a very small handful of trusted people close to me know this. It has taken most of my life to actually come to terms with these facts, admit it and now own it and deal with it. My eating disorder is known technically in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Version 5) as OSFED, which is a rather unfortunate acronym for ‘other specified feeding or eating disorder’. What this means is that it’s a disorder that doesn’t fit into a certain set of diagnosis criteria. Basically – I binge eat, but not all of the time. OSFED conditions are more common than Anorexia and Bulimia but are often not spoken about and not always well understood.
I go between being holier than thou, eating everything gorgeous organic and healthy, counting calories and watching everything that goes into my mouth and then I swing over to eating every single fucking thing in sight, sugar, fat, sugar, sugar and anything else I can find, but definitely nothing healthy – ever! This happens especially the night before I start another “diet” because I will never get to see those foods again – right? These patterns have resulted in me yo-yoing up and down since the age of 14. I can tell you almost exactly what I weighed, what size I was and all of the relevant stats for every single age of my entire life. I can tell you the calorific content of every food and not a night goes by that I don’t count in my head (if I haven’t used My Fitness Pal) what my intake has been for the day.
I weigh myself every single morning without fail. Sometimes I feel like it’s the definition of insanity – continuing to do the same thing but expecting a different result. I want to stop doing it, I know it is not helpful and in fact it is harmful, but old habits die hard.
I said I am an addict – my drug is sugar. I have been addicted to sugar for as long as I can remember. I have been clean for 12 days – and every day I need to look at sugar as an alcoholic looks at alcohol or a smoker looks at cigarettes, except that food is necessary for life and of course it is socially acceptable, so it’s a fine line to walk.
At this point in time; today Wednesday 8th July 2015 at 10:15pm, I have lost 3 kilos since I went clean, I am eating life giving food, I am enjoying preparing meals and I am feeling great. I HAVE to take this one day at a time (as they say in 12 step programs) because it is the only way to approach it.
This addiction to food and especially sugar is a monster that I need to tame every single minute of every single day, for the rest of my life. I am tired of fighting it and I want to gain control of my life, my health and my future. This is a huge thing for me to be writing this. I can’t say just how huge, but anybody who knows me well will understand that I don’t fess up to this kind of stuff. Everything is always awesome in my life – or so it appears.
I have so much to write on these two things, it feels so good to express it and while I am writing this blog for me, if one person reads it and it helps them in any way to know that they are not alone, then I will be extremely happy.
To be continued…….
Rae-Anne 🙂 xx