My first son Josh was born, over 29 years ago, and I will never forget being completely overwhelmed with the love I felt for this perfect little human being that I had created and had come from inside me. I still vividly remember watching him feed in the quiet early mornings in my bed with his dummy in my mouth and biting so hard on the handle as I simply didn’t know what to do with the intense feelings of love and emotion that would wash over me. When my second son was born, I was worried. How could I possibly feel love for another person like I did with Josh? Could I love another child as much as him? I had nothing to fear, that sense of overwhelming love and emotion washed over me and took my breath away the moment that Matt arrived. I remember biting so hard on his dummy too, to the point where my head would tremble and shake with the pressure of the bite, while feeding and looking down on him with so much love that I felt could literally move mountains. Both of my sons have brought me so much joy, love and happiness and I am ridiculously proud of the amazing men they have become.
I wanted nothing more than to be a mum, it was all I ever wanted in fact. I was never happier than hanging out with my boys, and they went everywhere with me. I never had career aspirations or any desire to do anything else but. I am not saying I was the worlds’ best mother either, hell no. I have written before about the mothers guilt I experienced every night as I agonised over the previous day and my attempts at being zen were out the window by 8am most mornings and all I could hear was my yelling as I tried to find a sense of bliss when going to sleep. I did the best with what I had at the time, sleep deprivation included, as Matt was born hungry and remains hungry to this day, almost 25 years later. Sorry Matt, but we all know it’s true! 🙂
Fast forward to 2011 when I found out that I was to be a grandmother. I burst into tears instantly from the sheer joy of the idea. I was living in Ghana at the time, and I wasn’t sure I would be back for her birth, so the flurry of emotions I experienced was intense.
Fortunately we arrived home in Australia 7 days before Ella arrived. If I thought I felt love before, well nothing prepared me for the love I have for this precious earth angel. What little shell I may have had remaining around my heart was cracked wide open and I was left almost aching with the feelings I have for her. I really can’t describe it. It is love that exists beyond the world of words, mixed with agony for how strong it is, fear for the responsibility I feel when I have her and pure blissful joy at every single second we spend together.
Then once again, my heart was left open and raw at the birth of gorgeous chilled-out zen master dude Jake. He is another earth angel who is the most chillaxed lovely little bundle of joy, cuddles and love I have ever known. He is just over 18 months old, so we haven’t had the chance to have any deep and meaningful chats as yet, but he has the wisdom of an old soul and I so look forward to the days to come with him.
I have just spent a lovely afternoon and evening with Ella and I always feel so refreshed and energised by her presence. I really love her sheer joy at everything: I made up a bed in our office for her tonight with my rainbow sleeping bag that I have had forever. “Oh grandma – it’s gorgeous!”. Her confidence and exuberant self love: “I am an artist” “I am just a good girl aren’t I?” “I am a lovely girl aren’t I?” “I am such a lucky girl aren’t I?” and so on. Her love of nature: Dogs, animals, flowers, all get her unconditional love, attention and blissful joy. Her positivity: Everything is beautiful, wonderful, exciting and full of possibilities to be explored.
Sometimes I actually ache and hurt inside with the love I feel for my children and grandchildren, and even writing this I am feeling incredibly filled with emotions. Is it possible to love this much? Yes it is and I am incredibly thankful and grateful for the opportunity to experience such great, big and huge love.
As Edgar Allen Poe so wisely said, although in a different context it is still true for me, “We loved with a love that was more than love.”