One of the many things that is so fucking hard about having an addiction (as I have written about before, mine is food) is living in a state of “when I am … then…”.
For me it has always been “when I am at my ideal weight …then….”.
I have literally hundreds of different scenarios I could relate here, but I will share one example that impacts on me regularly. Imagine, the weather begins to change from the chill of Winter, and the first moments of Spring appear, just like this weekend just gone. It is time to get some warm weather clothing out of the top of my wardrobe. Even though when packing them away months earlier, the temptation to donate them was huge as there was no way I will be this weight once next summer comes, no way! I will definitely need a whole new wardrobe, so why bother storing these larger sizes? So I get some out to put on and see my bits of skin and extra wobbly bits that I had hoped I would long say goodbye to, and have said goodbye to previously. But that’s not really the issue, I am used to that. It is the thinking behind a lot of the purchases that I find to be a live half lived.
I usually shop with the thought in the back of my mind that “I won’t be this weight for long”, so I buy clothes with the mindset that I will just get this to get me through. It is not that I don’t take pride in my appearance or buy nice things, I do, but I never really go all out and buy things that I think I might need long term. For example underwear. I remember one day a few years back shopping with a girlfriend for a new dress for my first ever girls night out. We found a lovely dress and it was low cut so you could see my bra, so I mentioned this to her. She said, it’s ok, just wear one of your other bras. Thing is I only ever had one bra. Yes just one. It wasn’t a financial thing, I had plenty of money, I just didn’t think I needed to buy more than one as “I wasn’t going to be this size for long”. She thought I was joking and laughed. I reiterated that I only had one bra. My beautiful girlfriend who is a smoking hot, feminine beauty with drawers of lingerie was gobsmacked. She just couldn’t believe that I could have just one bra. I wasn’t able to explain my thinking behind it at the time, but we quickly went off so I could buy another one, but not too fancy as “I wasn’t going to be this size for long”.
Same goes for jeans, I usually have one pair as surely I “won’t be this size for long”. This has been going on since my late teens. I will be 50 in a few months. There were two times in my life when this wasn’t the case, but for the most part, this is how I have always shopped.
Occasionally I have a moment of deciding I should embrace my Rubenesque body (which my husband truly adores and sometimes I do too) and I go out to buy a few pieces at once, but I never fully embrace the experience as I won’t be needing these clothes for long.
And yet I continue to do the same shit…..over and over and over and over again.
I have several significant events approaching in the calendar in my brain that I want to be able to make sustainable change for, and hopefully I will do that, but in the meantime I will wear my clothes that are this size, because I won’t be this size for long.