Standing there, my fix in my hand, I am ready to pay.
The moment had finally arrived. All day it had consumed my thoughts. What can I get, where can I get it, when can I get it. I tried doing other things, distracting myself. Keeping busy. Considering what I could use from home. Nothing I did took the thoughts away. I need a fix. I need it this afternoon. It is not negotiable. But it’s only a few hours until dinner.
No I need a fix.
I hopped in the car and went to the service station and chose my drugs. A packet of Twisties and a dark chocolate coated peanut brittle. Yes that will do it. Hmmm maybe I should get a chocolate ice cream too, yes good. What about packets of lollies…what if I need them and don’t want to have to come back, shall I get them just in case? Whatever I need I must get now, right now. Shall I get smaller packets because I know I can’t stop if I get a big pack and I must finish what I get tonight, so shall I get a smaller one. Just like yesterday when I wanted cake, I didn’t buy a cake that could be cut because I KNEW that I would eat the whole thing. Better to eat an individual smaller cake. No I will stick with these three things and I can come back. Or should I? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.
I paid and walked out with my three things. I ripped open the Twisties and started scoffing them before I even reached my car, only metres away.
Home again, Twisties inhaled, I decided to savour the chocolate. But just a tiny bite first, until I get comfortable and sit down to enjoy it. No, it’s gone. Big bites, big chunks, eaten and swallowed.
Did it satisfy me? Well I enjoyed the sweetness. Did it fill whatever need I was looking for it to? Not really. I don’t really know what I wanted or expected it to do. All I know is that I needed it. Now I am thinking about the chocolate ice cream in the fridge. Might as well eat that next, no need to wait.
Once again, fucking addiction has me in its grips and one fucking day at a fucking time I avoid looking at it, unless I am feeling strong. When I am strong I can face it and slay that dragon, or at least put the dragon in it’s box for a little while. Today the dragon is slaying me.