I am angry. I am annoyed, pissed off and mad.
I am not usually an angry person but this has been brewing in me for some time and I feel it might be cathartic to write about it. In the interest of owning my vulnerability I am expressing my truth.
I am angry – At someone I considered a friend who treated me appallingly when: I told her I was not coping and teetering on the edge and she didn’t reply. For ordering things from me twice and never paying, despite repeated requests. If she had said she couldn’t afford it I would NOT have cared, but no reply, nothing, zip, nada, just change the subject, for making me feel ashamed for even asking. For abusing me when I didn’t see her messages when I did something awesome one day and she shared it and I didn’t respond as she expected me to. For abusing me for being online but not seeing her. For deleting her shares and not allowing me to see the lovely feedback. I wasn’t online. For inviting me to stay in one of the most beautiful places in the world and not showing me one inch of it, for making me feel incredibly unwelcome and uncomfortable, for not allowing me to express my humanity without feeling judged. For not allowing me to speak my truth. For using me to do something and not honouring the exchange we agreed upon. When I reflect back I wonder why the hell I put up with all of this over the past year, I have no idea, but I did. The last time I saw her I knew I never would again as I realised that it just wasn’t meant to be. I quietly unfriended, unfollowed and let it go.
I am angry – at myself for not realising that I deserve better. For people pleasing, for not speaking up, for not being accountable to my own feelings, for chasing friendships. NEVER EVER again.
I am angry – At my ex husband for fucking me over. I am beyond furiously angry at him for fucking over my children. Badly, in ways unimaginable that a human being could to to another person, much less their own children.
I am angry – that there is absolutely not one thing I can do to help my kids in this. Not one. He has fucked them over and they are in pain and I am crying for them and there is nothing I can do to help or fix it.
I am angry – that it has taken me almost 50 years to see just how fucking incredible I am and what I deserve from myself, my work and my friends.
I am angry – at tears shed unnecessarily, time wasted and moments lost.
I am grateful – that I have seen it all now. Life is here and now and it is amazing and I am never going to allow another human being to stop me from living my truth.
Speaking our truth can be vulnerable and terrifying but not speaking it only hurts one person – ourselves.
No longer angry – oh maybe just a little.