trust verb (BELIEVE)
to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.
Trust is an interesting concept. I have always believed that when you are in my life, you have my trust unless something happens that proves to me that you don’t deserve it, as I like to think the best of people. Other people have the opinion that trust needs to be earnt. Both are valid.
Trust has become a big in my face issue for me this week.
We all know that relationships don’t necessarily last forever. Whether work, business, friendship, intimate, family or any other kind of relationship. Some of them have a use by date. I am 50 years old and I have had many amazing wonderful friendships and relationships of all kinds, some since I was 9 years old that remain solid to this day and others that last just a fleeting moment. I am thankful for all of them, as they all happened for a reason. I have learnt something from every single one of them.
Sometimes they just fade away, in fact that is what has happened with all of mine, apart from my marriage which was just nasty. Recently a friendship ended. Life happens. Shit happens. However this friend has betrayed me in an dreadful way that has left me feeling sick to the pit of my stomach, in fact when I found out I nearly vomited. I shared private, personal and incredibly painful things with this person as I was always told I was safe, it was safe, you are safe, and I believed it. This person has emailed my private pain, along with some creative licence (lies) to another individual who for reasons known only to them, has forwarded that email on to my professional clients, along with their own creative licence (lies). Yes you read that right. I’m not worried about that aspect to be honest, as my clients have seen through it and fortunately we live in a country where there are systems in place to deal with such matters, so that is being taken care of. Hurtful, yes, spiteful, absolutely, however that is not my issue. I am not wasting another second of my energy on even thinking about the parties involved, they don’t deserve a space in my mind or my heart. That part of my life is over.
What has really hurt me and got me thinking is the concept of trust and more importantly trust between friends. If I share something incredibly painful, personal and private with a friend, I expect it to stay there, right between us, forever. I can honestly say that I have never shared private and painful things disclosed to me in anyone’s darkest night of the soul, and no matter what they did to me and how much they tried to hurt me, I never would and never will. I hold a lot of secrets in my heart for people and feel an enormous sense of privilege that they felt comfortable sharing their scariest parts with me. In my heart forever they will stay. Even in the midst of the most bitter and ugly divorce that I experienced, I never shared the parts of my ex that would and could have destroyed him. I am sorry to say he didn’t show me that level of respect, but I can hold my head high in the knowledge that his secrets remain safe with me to this day.
I have taken some pause to reflect on friendships and what they mean to me and for me. While I might not be the best friend in terms of contact and other things, I am fiercely loyal and loving and would do ANYTHING for a friend. Those close to me know that. I don’t want to be THAT person that doesn’t trust, that holds back a part of myself, no I want to remain authentic and vulnerable, but this whole experience has really left me reeling. I have been thinking back about friends I have shared intimate things with and if I felt they may ever try to use it against me. Apart from this scenario, I am feeling OK about it all, I am sure I have chosen well.
My faith in humanity – a little dented.
My trust in people – just a tiny bit torn, but it will repair.
So, where to from here? I will continue to hold my loyal and loving friends close. I will always love hard and fiercely. I will always be authentic. I will always trust, it’s in my nature, but maybe I will take Brene’s sage advice a little closer to heart. I will always be me.