Have you got a task to complete? An assignment, report or proposal to write? Tax returns to be lodged or other important and time sensitive results to achieve? If you answered yes to any of these questions – YOU need to learn the art of extreme procrastination.
I have a Masters in Distraction and a PHD in Procrastination, and I have delayed, distracted and procrastinated with great efficiency for over 50 years now. I am one of the leading experts in my field and in this once only opportunity, I am sharing with you my many years of wisdom in this time wasting art form.
You can thank me later, or send me donations, whatever you feel is appropriate.
The first step in this process is to identify what it is that you need to achieve. It should be important enough to push you to commit to this extreme form of procrastination. Once you have identified your most critical goal, then it’s time to employ my time tested and guaranteed to distract techniques.
- Write a list. This list should contain ALL the things. Everything you have ever wanted to accomplish and ever wish to. It should be long enough to completely overwhelm you and leave you desperate for distraction.
- Social media. Open Facebook and scroll until you have read every update, seen every kids photo and friends dinners and eventually you find yourself mindlessly scrolling. Be sure to click all links that do or do not look interesting, and the end result is that you have at least 12 tabs open in your browser and a minimum of 10 saved links to read/watch later. The more the better. If you are efficient enough on Facebook, you can easily lose a few hours without even trying. Once you have tired of Facebook, open Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter and whatever else your heart desires. Read everything, click all the links and save a ton of stuff to look at. Be sure to flick back and forth between all including Facebook and respond immediately to any notifications that come your way. You can continue to use social media all day and night, it will always be there for you, while you are utilising other distraction methods. Again, the more the better. We are going to for maximum distraction here. Oooh look something shiny.
- Email. Be sure to sign up for as many online courses, subscription lists and other content as possible. You want that baby flying in all day. Oh and ensure that you have an audible notification for every email that comes in. Between email and social media you can go on forever and you may not need any other strategies.
- Phone. Choose your busiest moment to look through your old photos, texts and messages and keep or add to them as much as you can. Check through your contacts to be sure they are still current and while you’re there, send a few messages to friends who are guaranteed to reply and want to engage in lengthy text exchanges.
- TV. A smart TV works best. You should have it on from the moment you wake and leave it running until you sleep. If you open Youtube it will kindly choose one fascinating program after another for you, you don’t even have to tell it what to do. There are wonderful documentaries and things you must learn that you will never know otherwise.
- Housework. Clean the linen cupboard, surely there are towels that need refolding. Tidy the pantry, checking for all out of date food, while you are there clean the fridge and wipe all of your kitchen cupboards down. How is the oven? There’s a few hours waiting for you just there. Be sure that all of your clothes are washed, change the sheets and towels and see if any clothes in your cupboard no longer suit or fit. You are welcome.
- Outside. How’s your garden? There must be some pesky weeds popping through, something that needs sweeping or plants that need to be purchased in order to pretty the place up. A trip to the garden shop is a wonderful technique. While you’re out there, how are your windows looking?
- Car. Does your car have any rubbish floating around, or does it need a clean? Fix it, right now, your important report can wait, your car can’t.
- Personal care. Surely you need to pluck something, brush something or look at yourself in the mirror for a while to think about your next hairstyle. Ooooh yes go to hairstyle websites, there’s plenty of fun to be had there.
- Food. After all of this procrastination, it’s time to look at some food porn. Then buy ingredients, cook and eat said food. After all you can’t work effectively or concentrate on an empty stomach right?
- Nap. Afternoon naps are meant to be great for the body, mind and soul. After all of this procrastination you deserve it. You know you want to.
- Blog. When you have something important to do, there is nothing better than writing a few words and sharing your wisdom with the world.
I hope you find these hints and tips helpful and while you’re reading this, I have run of out excuses and need to write an assignment. However if you would like to share your favourites with me, I will see the notification from WordPress and be sure to pounce on them immediately.
p.s. I have so much more valuable information and wisdom to share and I’d hate to see you achieve your important goals without at least trying your best to procrastinate. If you’d like to work one on one with me, please get in touch, whenever you get around to it is fine.