I haven’t always been kind to my body. No, let me honest, I have never been kind to my body, except for the last year and a bit. I have never abused drugs or alcohol but I have abused food. I have written about it many times on this blog and anyone who knows me well knows the battles I have faced and the subsequent torment in my head as a result.
I am happy to say that I have managed to deal with my food addiction and I will write about that soon, I promise. I actually have another blog that I have not shared openly, but in spite of that I have many followers over there where I have shared that story…..however that’s for another day. Back to my body….
Just now as I got into bed, I was applying my magnesium cream to my feet and legs, as I do every night, I make my own, you can see it here, but only for Australian friends at the moment. As I was applying it, I was really paying attention to the process, which as a positive psychology person and mindfulness practitioner I always advocate, but the reality is most nights I do it quite mindlessly while reading or watching something.
What I noticed was my ageing body, the not so bouncy parts and pieces and less than elastic skin that is in all sorts of places I never knew it could possibly be. Seriously there is sagging in places that I never knew existed. Please let me make an important note here – I am absolutely a strong advocate for loving our selves as we are, but at the same time I am also human and every now and then I have my moments. Tonight I am having a moment, so for now in this minute I am mourning the loss of some aspects of my youth.
In my head I am still in my early twenties – but perhaps with a touch more wisdom. In my body however I am approaching 52. That’s where my moments often collide and cause chaos in my heart and mind. I look in the mirror and expect to see my twenty something face and perky body but it lies to me and I see the outer expression of somebody more than twice the age I am feeling. My sister occasionally takes photos of me in what I think are unflattering situations and they make me feel old, like really old.
I remember as a young mum seeing all the ads on TV and feeling that everyone was older than me, the tip top mum (good on ya) the meadow lea mum (turn your bread upside down) and the chicken tonight mums were all much older in my head and in reality they probably were.
I used to ignore all of the anti ageing stuff and things and could not have cared less about things such as retirement plans and the like. The other day I caught myself considering my retirement income and how and where I will be living. But I’m only twenty something!
I notice now when I use a scroll down box online to find the year of my birth takes a lot more scrolling and when completing surveys I am in a whole other category. I can’t read without glasses and I get yearly reminders of health check ups that I never used to.
The thing is everyone I speak to says the same thing, they feel a certain age in their head that is much younger than their chronological age. I really didn’t expect that to be the case. I thought it was just me.
The years are now flying by way too quickly. 2015 was insane, 2016 went in a heartbeat and 2017 is flying by in the blink of an eye. The other day I was having a massage in Bali and there was a clock in the room and I could hear it tick with every second that passed. The ‘moment’ part of me was thinking that those seconds were gone forever and taking me every second closer to another year around the sun.
The other side of me was reminded of the importance of living life to the fullest, seizing the day and being sure to carpe the fuck out of every god damn diem.
Also please let me add, I am not complaining, because let’s be honest – what’s the alternative? I am happy to be here on this spinning ball of madness and mayhem, but every now and then I wish it would just slow down. Will I be 70 plus and still feeling like I am in my twenties? Will my body be playing this game with my mind forever? I hope not but I expect it will based on conversations I have had with many others. I hope to one day feel like a grown up and I hope that I am also fighting fit well into my later years, but the reality is that to be honest it depresses me sometimes. I want to be here to watch my beautiful grand children grow up, to travel, to read and write and spend time with those I love, but I feel like I am always rushing. Time flies by way too fast.
Seriously though where is the time going? I have read some theories that time is moving faster than it used to, I don’t know how much truth there is to them but I certainly feel as if it is the case.
But for now let me say I am grateful. Grateful that I get to live life on my terms. Grateful for my good health, my family, my friends and the choices I have made. Grateful for travel and experiences and wisdom and ageing well and love and tea and Bali and all good things. Grateful that I can write a post like this that really has no point but gives me an outlet to vent and share some of the stuff in my head. Grateful that you took the time to read it.
Grab life by the balls and live it hard with no regrets! You only get one shot, so make it worthwhile!